Newbie's guide to swinging
What is swinging
Consensual sex with ones spouse in the presence of others or one person having sex with someone other than ones spouse. Huh? One can be a swinger by actively having sex while their other partner does not. Or a solo (partnerless) single. What types of swinging is out there? Couples with: another person, another couple, a small group or a big group. In this post Clinton era how does one define sex? Lets just say it involves ANY intentional activity by one person that produces an arousal in another with the expressed intent of creating such arousal. Voyeurism can be accomplished with ZERO nudity and NO contact. Based on the previous definition it is sex.
Who are swingers?
It's difficult to identify them from afar by looks only as the variety you will encounter in looks and body shapes closely maches the general public. People looking for their personal nirvana of Barbies and Kens that look like they live at the gym will find their quest challenging to say the least. Expect the couple next door look to dominate with a few Barbie and Kens sprinkled in, just like real life! Swingers in general do tend to be more highly educated. Will you be surrounded by all PHD's? No, but do expect far fewer 'Forrest Gump' types than in 'real life' on the outside. People have reported running into school teachers, principals, FBI agents, AMTRAK engineers, politicians and more. In short, fun people!
Talk about the concept of swinging for a long time before doing anything. Don't talk of when, yet. OK, now talk some more. Talk of things you want to do. Each of you, yes, BOTH of you. Women have an equal voice in this guys, more than you think! Not greatly involving her might get you to one swing experience but it's highly likely you'll get to a point and she will shut it down. Talk about how each of you feel about doing such things. Maintain a capture of all the yes and no items, you'll need it for your own personal rules as you get further into swinging. The point is to get as comfortable with the aspects of swinging you've chosen to explore WITHOUT any stress over worrying about what might happen. The rules block the stress creating activities. The most important point about this is to talk about EVERYTHING so that no subject goes un-noticed. You then decide if one of you existing rules applies as it is presently. If not, reformulate a rule or, create a new one. The key here is to take as much time as you need to talk about EVERYTHING that you want or could happen.
We once saw a newbie tour being conducted at a local swing club. This one couple got to the hot tub area with their tour guide and the female noticed all the people in the hot tub were nude. She freaked out and ran back thru the club. Good communications, NOT! Will he get a chance to bring her back? From the club, yes. From her......you think about it, would you say if you were her?
Swinging is not an ideal place to live out all of your fantasies! Protecting your most valuable possession, your relationship is far more important than doing it all! Some fantasies are best left as fantasies, NEVER to be lived out.
Do you really need rules? In a word, yes. They protect you from other people, each other (your partner's 'candystore moments') and allow you to relax. Remember, your lady's orgasms are at stake! If she can't relax enough to cum, esp with her mate, your rules are insufficient. Communicate and reformulate your rules. Sound too limiting already Mr. Newswinger? Well, how our rules
evolved might be some relief for you.
We do a multi-tier plan for every trip to every play scene, even house parties held by friends! We have discuss this two times prior to entering into a 'scene', once when planning to go and again when arriving there. Tiers? OK, the tiers are levels, each tier includes more activeties and/or less restriction on same. The tiers are all based on our rules and observed conditions of a location. At a specific play scene (new place, old place, new type of place, etc) the tier are different too. Going into the play scene we agree initially to do 'A' only. Once we're 'inside' we then may see that 'Z' is true. We had previously agreed that if we are both comfortable with 'Z' we can then do 'B' if we BOTH agree. After a time at the play 'scene' we talk and if we both agree 'C' might be possible. So, what are the 'A' + 'B' + 'C' restrictions? Well for us 'A' most times means enter, stay clothed, no drinking and no play. Tier 'B' may mean drinking is allowed and/or limited play (no oral sex at all --- no below waist play).
What was 'Z' vs some other activity? Communications and rules! We plan for the unexpected (Z) and always have an alternate plan should the 'scene' turn out to be a washout or unnaceptable to us. The tiers may be different at subsequent revisits to the same play scenes to and it should ALWAYS be. Life is so short that you have to do it all the first time. Women appreciate and can relax more knowing that there are solid limits to what may happen. If she doesn't relax enough to enjoy you may not get a chance for a second time! For more on our rules see our page Why have rules
Does it happen? Yes, many times actually. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes on a certain day another swinger is 'off limits' for your partner. You accept that limit WITHOUT discussion. Have fun with all the other folks at the play scene. If it happens every time that's a 'red flag' moment. Swinging is not meant to 'help fix up a failing marriage', temporarily step out of the lifestyle and fix the issues without the stressor of swinging.
On-Off Premises clubs
There are clubs where swingers meet socially but then leave the club and go to motels for the actual swinging - called Off Premises Clubs. No swinging occurs inside the club. sometimes held in rented halls or meeting/ball rooms at a hotel. Some party hosts do it this way to avoid the cost of a liquor license and the public registration of the club that it incurs. On Premises Clubs have play areas in addition to the social areas. Many On Premises Clubs have multiple social and play areas for varied experiences.
What are all those codes people post in their swingers ads? (click link)
Swinging is not about: -
A sex outlet for single guys playing alone (female partner not playing with you), getting off quick, i.e. anonymous sex, a dating service, a front for professionals or all beautiful people. In the swinging lifestyle we define a 'single guy' as a male that enters a play 'scene' WITHOUT his wife or girlfriend.
Social aspects of swinging
Swinging is more than just sex with someone other than your spouse. Many times a long term friendships results from play encounters. Socializing outside of play times in each others family activities. There are some swinging couples though that the socializing aspect is not their thing, expect some to move on to their next 'conquest', never to be heard from again.
Watching and being watched
Many couples start out doing this for a number of reasons. First off it's a 'no contact with others' type of activity. This makes it appealing to many hesitant about entering the lifestyle. Some people are uncomfortable with being nude around others that are either clothed, partially or fully nude. Well, you actually don't HAVE to be nude as it's not a requirement, heavy petting is a way that many start out with. For some this becomes a favorite, as it can be a highly erotic form of social sex and they never wish to get beyond it.
Full vs soft swing
Soft swing - Also known as soft swap. We feel that it's important for all of us to have the same definition, to avoid any confusion or disappointment. Our definition is: full oral sex (to the point of climax), oral/digital penetration of the vagina and bodily touching. This is WITHOUT vaginal penetration of a male penis in a woman whom is not his partner.
Full swing - Also known as full swap. Our definition is: all of Soft Swing WITH vaginal penetration of a male penis in a woman whom is not his partner.
Single men venturing into swinging
Many solo singe guys want to see what swinging is about. Be forewarned though that there is a HUGE legacy of all the poor behaviour of the solo single guys before you. There is
a need for single guys as many couples enjoy MFM activities and many parties try to balance the single females by admitting solo single men. We have a separate tips page for single guys
. FEEDBACK REQUESTED!
Hygiene and prep
What's that smell? We have a special page on swinging hygiene
too! Many couples get used to their own partner's 'aura' and need to be aware that some people expect
a 'fresh out of the shower' or near to bodies to be comfortable enough to play with. The scent of your morning pee (and all those after) are NOT
erotic to most, but believe it or not, not that all uncommon! Ladies if you shave your muff
- touch it up before a party: it's very uncomfortable giving head for an extended period while being 'stabbed' by hundreds of spiny hairs!
Safe sex and STD's
has happened since the sexual revolution, you should be concerned about it! After reading our safe sex
sub page you should discuss about what your safe plan means for you. We've witnessed and practice may variations on what experts vary on as a definition. The point is to establish a comfortable safety concept and then integrate it into your rules.
Security and discretion
Who are all those other people? Is that my next door neighbor? Could be, although the closest we've gotten so far is a 1/4 mile. Generally using screen names only for the first few contacts is recommended. Save your home e-mail account for much later. Get a free Yahoo e-mail ID
, even if you use AOL. Like AOL your screen name will be your email address.
Finding and contacting other swingers
We recommend 'SLS' aka as http://www.swinglifestyle.com/
Yahoo! Groups are another choice but be prepared to spend LOTS of time and not get very many actual face2face meetings. More on how we avoid the major time wasting actions here
To cum or not to cum, the options! Many people have rules relating to fluid exchange. In the new millenium just letting it go when it needs to get out is no longer an option! Many women have personal preferences in relation to semen in their mouths as well. In short: ALWAY ASK BEFORE CUMMING. If for some reason you find your self in a situation and feel like you are about to cum, let people around you know. It also adds to electricity of the moment. Give them time to move, tell you no, or pull your dick out of wherever for you! The point is that getting known as the person who always has to be told does NOT enhance your potential for future encounters with others.
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Last updated Sunday, August 31, 2008
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